[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.