[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road