If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.