Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My husband, the worldβs most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, itβs golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
How come when someone says βwe need to talkβ itβs never about ice cream or Star Wars?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
In hell, you wait for a βverify your email addressβ email that never arrives.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didnβt stick.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I canβt help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we canβt smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans canβt smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.