[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
What about second breakfast?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]