[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
You Might Also Like
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”