I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?