Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what