Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Whatโs the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know itโs not seven
Iโm the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Wait for it
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
(Vegan zombie)
โMmmm โฆ.. grainsโ
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.