Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Cheer up.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
TRAIN’S HERE
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up