My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Whoa 😂
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
this is the best day of my life
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road