i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.