After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
See..?
.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.