me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
#catsoftwitter
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
#SaturdayBears
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this