God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.