you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years