The glory of fall.
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil