I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Is this you?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.