Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I found your tweet-up…
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]