Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.