Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.