Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
peak technology
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*