Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
my professor scared me for a second
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind