Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow