If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.