Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.