I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream