You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂