You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”