I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.