Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
some things should go without saying
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Hotels are back
How I like cutting carbs
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken