Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
#catsoftwitter
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.