One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.