You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Ummm
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!