Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
You Might Also Like
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”