Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile