11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.