Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I triple waxed for this?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…