DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”