[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]