I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.