Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
それは草
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…