“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them