[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“HELP WITH CAT”
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.