Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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Why soy sad?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Catercrombie & Fish
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.