You Might Also Like
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Great Canadian literature.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off