Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Happy Friday
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs