-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!