Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE