Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs